Bereavement Support Pregnancy and infant loss

If you’ve experienced the loss of a baby during pregnancy or after delivery

The loss of a pregnancy or infant can be a devastating and isolating experience. You may feel lost, or unsure of how to move forward. We are here to support you as you navigate through your grief journey. While everyone grieves differently, we are hopeful that the resources below will help you as you move forward on your journey to healing.

Your feelings:

Pregnancy and infant loss can be a devastating experience. Some people may feel very sad for a long time while others may be upset at the time but recover quickly. How you feel will depend on your situation and experience. You may feel physically sick or exhausted after the loss of your baby. You may feel like you are alone in your grief or that others do not understand your pain. Everyone grieves differently, and there is no right or wrong way to behave after the loss of your baby. It is perfectly normal to feel any or all of these:

• Sad and tearful
• Shocked and confused
• Numb
• Angry
• Jealous
• Guilty
• Empty and lonely
• Panicky or out of control
• Unable to cope with everyday life

You may feel your loss in physical ways, even some time after the loss of your pregnancy or death of your baby. This can include:

• Feeling exhausted
• Having pain in your abdomen or a headache
• Feeling like it is difficult to breathe normally
• Changes in your sleep such as sleeping more or less than before your loss

These problems will likely get better over time, but you should talk to your healthcare provider if you are worried about your symptoms.

There is not a right or wrong way to feel or grieve. There is also not a timeline for when your grief may end, and it may last longer than you (or others) expect it to. Once you start to feel better, you may still experience times when you feel sadder. You may feel more upset when you get your first period after a pregnancy loss or learn that a friend or family member is pregnant or has a baby. You may experience tougher days on special dates such as your due date or anniversary of the loss of your baby. There will come a time when your feelings change and the pain of your loss eases, but how long that will take is unique to you. It is important to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel your feelings as they come.

Your relationship with your partner:

After a pregnancy or infant loss, some couples find that their shared sadness brings them closer together. However, grief can place strain on any relationship. You and your partner will likely experience grief differently or at different times. One partner may feel like they are able to move forward with life easily, while the other may need more time. One may be having a difficult day, while the other feels better. One partner may need more support, and the other may not be able to give it. If one partner is less expressive of their grief, it does not mean that they are not hurting too. It is important to support each other through this tough time.  If your loss is causing a strain on your relationship with your partner, it may be helpful to seek outside support (*link to grief resources tab).  It may take a while for your intimacy to return, and it is normal for sex to be emotionally difficult following a loss. It may be hard to decide when and if you want to try to conceive again. These are both deeply personal decisions. If you and your partner decide to try to conceive again, we encourage you to speak to your healthcare provider to determine if it is safe for you to do so. 

Your relationship with family or friends: 

It can be hard to grieve the loss of your baby around people who do not seem to understand your feelings or tell you how you should feel or behave. You may feel criticized or that your loss or feelings do not matter if people tell you that you should be moving on with your life or getting over your loss faster. 

Insensitive reactions and unhelpful advice or words can hurt deeply even if they come from a place of good intent. Some people do not know what to say or do to support you, and they may say or do insensitive things. Whatever other people say, remember to be kind to yourself and remember there is no right or wrong way to feel or behave after a pregnancy or infant loss.

It is ok to ask for help! Let your friends and family know how they can support you in your grief journey, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Some things that may feel helpful include: 

• Running errands
• Providing childcare 
• Preparing or ordering food
• Helping with laundry or housework
• Sitting and listening to you
• Caring for your pets
• Helping to take care of your yard or garden

By letting your friends and family help you, they are able to show their love for you and your baby, especially if they find difficulty in finding the right words to express their sadness for your loss.

As time passes, you may feel like you no longer have as much support from friends and family as they go back to their normal lives. You may feel like you or your baby have been forgotten. Friends and family want to support you but may not know how to continue to do so. While it is not your responsibility to comfort others or ask for help, it can be healing to involve people you trust in your grief journey. It is ok to ask for help, even months or years down the road. Your feelings are valid, and grief can be unpredictable. 

Support for partners:

You and your partner have both suffered a loss. Often times, the attention is focused on the person who has given birth, and the partner may feel like their feelings are overlooked. You may feel like you are expected or need to hide your feelings so you can remain strong for your partner. There is no right or wrong way to feel after a loss, and it is perfectly normal to feel:

• Shock
• Anger
• A sense of loss
• Isolated or lonely
• Helpless or frustrated
• Difficulty concentrating
• Losing interest in sex
• Anxiety
• Impatience to get back to normal or try to have another baby
• Relief

How you feel after the loss of your baby will depend on many things, including what the pregnancy meant to you and what is going on in the rest of your life. Here are some helpful ways to cope that you may find helpful:

• Share your feelings with someone. This may include your partner, family members, or friends. It may be difficult to talk about your feelings, but it can be helpful to try.
• Get informed. You can talk to the healthcare provider about what happened and what how this may affect future childbearing. You may not be able to get all of your questions answered, but having clear information can help you feel more in control.
• Give it time. There is no time limit on grief. Your feelings may come and go, and you may have bad days when you previously felt like you had recovered. Bad days may occur on special dates such as your baby’s birthday, due date, anniversary of their death or pregnancy loss, or around the holidays. 
• Be prepared to seek help. If you feel stuck in your grief and are unable to move forward, it may be helpful to find a therapist or bereavement counselor.

Often times, people assume that the loss is greater for the birthing parent because of the physical connection to the baby. You may feel like your partner has a deeper sense of loss than you do, or you may feel a profound sense of loss as well. You may feel disappointed rather than distressed or may even think that your partner is overreacting. For some partners, the grief can be intense and difficult to cope with. You may feel helpless because you cannot control what is happening or make your partner feel better. You may feel frustrated or helpless as you are pushed into the background while the healthcare team tends to your partner. You may feel powerless as you watch your partner in pain or distress while you are trying to process your own feelings of grief, shock, and fear. It is important to try to focus on what you can control and be a supportive partner.

After the loss of your baby, you may be tasked with practical matters such as notifying friends and family of your loss, caring for any other children, looking after the home, taking care of pets, taking care of work, making difficult decisions, or making final arrangements. For some partners, it can be helpful to focus on these tasks to feel like you are able to do something and can keep yourself busy. However, it can add to your stress, so it’s ok to accept offers of help.

You may be happy playing a strong, silent, supportive role in comforting your partner, shielding them from responsibility, and protecting them from visitors and phone calls or texts. You may genuinely be less upset than your partner, may not be comfortable showing your emotion, or may find that the best way to show your care and concern is to not express your feelings. You may hide your feelings so well that you seem not to care. This can lead to problems in your relationship and leave you feeling isolated. 

Here are some ways you might be able to make things better for both of you:

• Communicating. Talking and listening to each other can help you understand each other’s feelings and come to terms with your loss. Your partner may find it helpful to talk through what happened over and over again; you may find that it is helpful for you too.
• Recognizing your loss. Pregnancy and infant loss may make you feel the loss of your hopes and dreams for your baby and your future. It may be helpful to be aware of the loss and accept the feelings that come with it.
• Accepting your different feelings. You and your partner may feel differently about the loss now or in the future. One of you may still be grieving while the other is ready to move forward. One may remember anniversaries or special dates that the other one forgets. It can be helpful to know that this is perfectly normal.
• Looking for outside support. Family, friends, colleagues, healthcare professionals, organizations and websites may all have something to offer. It can be helpful to take what is useful and ignore the rest.
• Taking stock. Don’t be surprised if your loss leads to questions about yourself, your partner, and your priorities in life. This may not be the best time to make major decisions, but it can help if you keep talking and listening to your partner.

It may be helpful to review the list of grief resources to find support for you in your grief.