Grieving the death of a loved one is an overwhelming and deeply personal experience. Family and friends may struggle to understand the intensity of your grief, and as a result, you may feel isolated—even when others are trying to help.
Some people may feel awkward or unsure of what to say. They may worry about saying the wrong thing or unintentionally upsetting you, and this discomfort may lead them to keep their distance. Others may need permission to share their own feelings but may not know how to begin.
In contrast, you may receive an outpouring of support early on, only to find that it fades over time. Even those who care deeply may not know how to help—or may assume you are doing “better” as time passes.
It’s Okay to Ask for Help
It’s normal to feel unsure about asking for help—but you don’t have to go through this alone. When you can, let your friends and family know what you need—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. People who care about you often want to help, but they may not know how. Giving them simple, specific ways to support you can make a big difference.
Here are a few things you can ask for help with:
Running errands (like picking up groceries or paperwork)
Driving someone home or to the airport
Preparing meals—especially ones that can be frozen for later
Doing laundry or helping with housework or yard work
Caring for your other children (drop-offs, playtime, carpool, babysitting)
Sitting and listening
Sharing memories of your child
Taking care of your pets
You might also find yourself trying to care for others as they grieve. You may feel pressure to “host” when people visit or to help others feel better. But right now, it’s important to remember you are the one who needs and deserves support. You will read more about the Grief Circle in the next section, which can help explain this idea.
Over time, you may notice that support from friends and family fades. They may believe that grief should only last a few months and expect you to “move on.” As the months (or even years) go by, you might feel that your loved one has been forgotten or that people no longer check in. But that doesn’t mean you have to stop reaching out.
Even though it’s not your job to comfort others or remind them to support you, it’s okay—and healthy—to let people know how you’re doing and what you need. Your grief is real, valid, and unpredictable. Keep leaning on the people you trust—your loved ones, faith community, or professionals. It’s always okay to ask for help.
The Grief Circle
Some families find the idea of the Grief Circle helpful when thinking about how to give and receive support after a loss. This idea comes from the Ring Theory developed by psychologist Susan Silk.
When someone dies, many people feel sad and want comfort. But for parents, siblings, spouses, and those closest to the person who died, their grief is the deepest. During this time, they should receive comfort—not be expected to comfort others.
Think of it like a target made of circles. The people in the middle are the ones hurting the most. People in the outer circles are still sad, but not as deeply affected. Support should always go inward, toward the center. Grief, venting, and strong feelings should go outward, away from the center.
Parents, siblings, and spouses are in the center. They should get comfort and support from everyone else.
Grandparents and close family can support the center but should get their own support from others further out.
Friends, coworkers, and community members can comfort the family, and turn to their own friends when they need support.
Your loved one touched many people’s lives, and many will grieve. But you should not have to carry their sadness along with your own. Others can still grieve and get support—just not from you right now.